The Perfect Videogame
What elements make the perfect videogame? I don’t know, but if I jam all sorts of stupid ideas together I know In can get a VGG article out of it.
First of all we’ll need weapons. I’m so tired of the new template where you only get 2 or 3 weapons at a time - fuck that shit. In our perfect game, we’ve got 50 weapons, I can carry them all at the same time, & use dual weapons of any combination no matter how ridiculous. Don’t forget huge ammo clips with 1000s of bullets/energy pods/rockets, & 20 kinds of grenades.
We need destructible environments to go along with our gun collection, & not just man made structures - trees, rocky outcroppings, the ground, & all persistent destruction, no cheesy fill-ins when I go”out of range”.
We can’t just shoot it up all the time - we need to fight with huge, badass melee weapons! at any point in a gunfight with a single enemy, you can opt to “call them out” for a Soul Calibur style battle, ending with an awe inspiring & gratuitously bloody finishing move.
We need plenty of breasts to make a truly great game - in fact, plenty of female bodaciousness period. So no guys in our game, sorry ladies ( & some men ).
We need big, shiny, speedy & destructive vehicles of all kinds to prevent boring on foot journeys, and finally we need superpowers ala Crackdown just to completely put this mother over the top.
We’ll call our game Testosterzone, & here’s how it plays:
Angelica, our sexy main protagonist, takes a running jump at a group of enemies 50 feet away, landing with such destructive force that a crater 10 feet deep is created & they all explode in a shower of giblets .Taking a conveniently placed Harrier, Angie is upon another group of miscreants in mere seconds, jumping from the plane with twin rocket-launchers blazing as the abandoned vehicle takes out the side of a mountain. Switching to a BFG & a chain-gun with explosive ammo, Big A takes out the remaining 200 ground forces with relative ease - all except for one.
“I call you out!” cries our fearless, pneumatic Amazon, drawing her zweihander & circling in on her quarry, Terrified Enemy Soldier 201, who draws her pen-knife. After a spectacular, if somewhat short, battle, the victorious Angelica executes her finishing move The Unkindest Cut, dicing her hapless foe like a Cordon Bleu chef & scattering the remains with one final, mighty swing, creating a trench which extends to the horizon.
So there you have it, Videogamegeek presents the perfect game. We’re geeks with plenty of time, questionable taste & little common sense, but - actually, that pretty much explains it.
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