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The Worst GMs from Video Game RPGs
Lowell Francis
United States
South Bend
Indiana
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Video game RPGs arose out of tabletop rpgs- with D&D arguably being the font from which the genre sprang. Of course they evolved in different directions, utilizing the strengths of their particular mediums. What I look for in a computer or console-based rpg differs hugely from what I want at the gaming table. And some of the things that happen in VGRPGs would make me quit if a GM tried to pull that. Yet I'm pretty tolerant of that when I have a controller in my hands.
So below is a list of a few moments of video game rpgs, and what they would look like at the table-top. Don't get me wrong- I love some of the games below (and hate some). Some of these problems can be seen in many, many games (especially the "I Win, You Actually Lose" problem). Spoilers ahead in a couple of places. Feel free to add your own.
For some more discussion on this and an expanded analysis, see my post "They Steal the Princess Again?"
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Lowell Francis
United States
South Bend
Indiana
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GM: OK, you beat the bad guy...
Player: Yes!!!
GM: And he leaps up to his feet, grabs the item you were defending and flies off.
Player: Again?
GM: He's fast.
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Lowell Francis
United States
South Bend
Indiana
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GM: The monster hits you.
Player: How much damage to I take?
GM: None, but the party loses half of its money.
Player: Wait...what? (The fight continues). OK, I killed them, we get our money back from their bodies.
GM: Nope, it seems to have magically disappeared.
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Lowell Francis
United States
South Bend
Indiana
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GM: You guys mind if I do a little time lapse and move the story forward a little.
Player: Um, sure.
FOUR HOURS OF GM NARRATION LATER.
GM: OK...got all of that? Next week we'll take up with the final boss fight.
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Lowell Francis
United States
South Bend
Indiana
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GM: OK, so I'm going to run a kind of supernatural investigation game set in 1929.
Player: Like Call of Cthulhu?
GM: A little, it has Arkham in it, but it has more magic and fantastic stuff.
Player: OK...well it sounds cool...
GM: Great. So I made up some pre-gen characters. So I have a boy detective, a Native American sorceress in a bikini, an crusading old man trained by South American ninjas, a fat ballerina vampire, a mariachi player with a gun-guitar, or a giant drunken cat. Everybody pick.
Player: What the what?
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Lowell Francis
United States
South Bend
Indiana
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Player: Man, I love this campaign world- I can't wait to get back to playing.
GM: Yeah, about that. I destroyed that campaign world. I'm not going to run it anymore. But it is really the same campaign.
Player: Wait...you blew it up?
GM: Yup. And I decided to go with a new set of rules. But don't worry, you won't know the difference.
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Lowell Francis
United States
South Bend
Indiana
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GM: That was great, but I think I want to run a different campaign in this game setting.
Player: OK, but we were just getting started with this one...
GM: No, I want to do another story...roll up new characters.
(Several sessions later)
GM: Yeah, so I want to try another story in this world...
Player: What? Again? We just got into the groove of this one.
GM: I have a cool idea, just roll up some new characters.
(Several sessions later)
GM: Yeah, so I was thinking...
Player: I'm going to kill you.
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Lowell Francis
United States
South Bend
Indiana
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GM: With a mighty blow, you knock your adversary down and bask in your victory.
Player: OK...now we...
GM: But the bad guys sieze the Princess and make off with her.
Player: She was ten feet away from us, and the rest of the party was guarding her.
GM: They snuck up and grabbed her.
Player: OK, we'll chase them.
GM: No, you're stunned by the turn of events.
Player: Grrr...OK, we'll recover from stun and shoot them with our freaking bows...
GM: Too late. They ran across the courtyard, jumped on an massive sky-anchor that dropped down and are now sailing away in their skyship.
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Lowell Francis
United States
South Bend
Indiana
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GM: TPK again!
Player: I wasn't done making up my character...
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Lowell Francis
United States
South Bend
Indiana
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GM: So, yes- all those murder cases you solved. They were all done by someone else!!!
Player: What about the crime scenes? The evidence?
GM: All faked. He was really clever.
Player: What about all the rolls I made and work I did?
GM: Moving on...
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Ken H.
United States
Amherst
Ohio
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GM: Okay, when you're ready to level up, all you have to do is hit the "Level Up" button.
Player: Wait, I don't see that button.
GM: Oh, here, let me give you a bunch of free experience points. Cha-ching.
Player: Ahh, there's the button....
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And another one...
GM: You find a flaming magic sword!
Player: Awesome! I'll pick it up and try a few swings.
GM: Sorry, your level isn't high enough. You can carry it around, but you can't equip it.
Player: I just want to stab a guy with the pointy end....
GM: No, doesn't work.
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Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
North Carolina
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GM: As Aeris is summoning Holy, Sephiroth comes down out of nowhere and impales her with his sword!
Player: !!! I'll have Aeris cast a cure spell on herself while I attack him!
GM: Can't. She's dead.
Player: Crap, in one hit? In that case, Red XIII will use a phoenix down on her while I attack Sephiroth.
GM: Won't work. First, you're too shocked to do anything except babble to Sephiroth about how sad this is making you, and second, a phoenix down just won't work this time.
Player: ...why? It has worked every other time!
GM: THE GM HAS SPOKEN. Now listen while I narrate your incoherent dialogue with Sephiroth.
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Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
North Carolina
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Player: OK, time to cross the river and get to that town that we need to get to right on the other side.
GM: You can't. There's an overturned wagon blocking the bridge.
Player: Can't we squeeze past it?
GM: Nope.
Player: Or push it aside? We're pretty strong; I can even turn into a dragon!
GM: Nope. It's pretty heavy; it's full of fruit. Absolutely impassable. You'll have to backtrack hundreds of miles and cross the river at the only other bridge in the known world.
Player: We can't just swim across?!
GM: Nope. It's all mirror-smooth sheer cliffs.
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Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
North Carolina
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At the underground lair of the evil sorcerer-king Umaril
GM:One of your followers jumps in front of you in the middle of the fight, and is instantly killed by your attack
Player: What!? Why does everyone jump in front of me while I'm attacking!?
Player goes on to defeat Umaril and is praised as a hero upon his return to the priory of the Nine
Player: All right. Time to return to Imperial City.
GM: Upon arriving at the city, a guard at the gate stops you; you are under arrest for murder!
Player: WHAT?!
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Antti Hoo.
Finland
Helsinki
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Player: I think I'm lost... I approach the street vendor and ask him for directions.
GM: You walk up to the man. "Hey, fruit guy!" you say. "What's up with all the fruit?" He replies: "Why, I make my living selling them. It's not much, but I'm a modest man."
Player: No, I ask him for directions to the port... and I try to be polite about it.
GM: You say: "Whatever. I hate this place anyway." Then you move on.
Player: Oh... I do?
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Nick Reed
United Kingdom
Southampton
Hampshire
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(a fight happens)
GM: Those monsters are tough, aren't they?
Player: They sure are!
GM: How would you like to learn a skill or get an item that causes insta-death?
Player: Hella-yeah!
GM: You won't want to use it against the random encounter monsters though, of course. You can beat them normally.
Player: True.
GM: And it has a chance of failing when you cast it.
Player: Well, okay... Some chance is better than nothing though, right?
GM: That's the spirit!
(Player spends money and skills on it)
GM: ... Did I mention all the bosses are immune to it?
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Nick Reed
United Kingdom
Southampton
Hampshire
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GM: I've designed this world to be quite realistic, y'know. Multiple factions, interleaving plotlines, political intrigues, lots of background and history regarding how the various areas of the land developed and flourished...
Player: Sounds cool!
GM: Yeah! So, you start off in the most bustling city in the world. Traders are selling their wares at every street corner, carts of produce trundle past, adventures gather in groups in the taverns and patrols of armed guards regularly patrol the main highways leading to the palace.
Player: Fantastic! Right, I want to equip my party - what do the best blacksmiths in the world have to offer?
GM: Well, do you want the simple cloth tunic and a chipped knife, or an iron shortsword and suit of broken chain mail? They sell absolutely nothing else. Oh wait - they also sell a stick you can use as a staff.
Player: 
... much much later ...
GM: Okay, you make you way through the ice fields, lava caves and to the demonic fields. You're the first adventurers to set foot here in hundreds of years. Thousand-HP dragons patrol the skies and screams of tormented souls fill the air. Luckily for you, "Bertie the Happy Shopkeeper" has his undefiled shop here in the middle of nowhere, with no-one defending him, and happens to keep in stock so much epic-level armour and weaponry he could equip a whole army, fifty thousand resurrection scrolls (not a single one of which has been used to help the people you saw brutally murdered on your way here), and wands and staves of every colour and power you could imagine.
Player: Errr....
GM: Yeah yeah, feel free to explore - he's not going anywhere. Of course, if you take more than 10 steps in any direction you're get randomly savaged by denizens from hell, but don't worry about the shop.
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Wouter Dhondt
Belgium
Anzegem
My armor is contempt. My shield is disgust. My sword is hatred. In the Emperor's name, let none survive.
When I now saw this Coppelius, the frightful and terrific thought took possession of my soul, that indeed no one but he could be the Sandman.
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GM: You will be executed. One of the guards leads you to the block. Fortunately a dragon appears out of nowhere, and the guards run away scared.
Player: I run as well.
GM: One of the guards orders you to follow him if you want to be saved.
Player: I don't want to follow him, he tried to execute me. Why is he trying to save me in the first place?
GM: There is no other way, you must follow him.
Player: Huh?
Later:
Player: I jump on the steps.
GM: You can't.
Player: Why not?
GM: I haven't told you how to jump yet. Wait till I make the dragon blow a big hole in the tower. Then you can jump out.
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Kevin H.
United States
Crescent City
California
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GM: You enter the room. There's a man here, standing casually among an astonishing amount of carnage.
Player: WTF? He's totally a Thing. I waste him.
GM: Er, that would be a bad idea. Don't do that or you won't be able to continue the game.
Player: Bogus. Fine. I warily approach him, ask him why he's here.
GM: He says he's glad to see you and that he's a scientist, and that that he can help you. He begs you to take him with you. He looks totally freaked out.
Player: I'll say. I still think he's infected. I use my last test kit on him.
GM: You take some blood samples and run them through the kit. They come back totally clean. He's good to go.
Player: Okay. I cautiously take two steps forward.
GM: THE SCIENTIST TRANSFORMS!!! HE WAS TOTALLY INFECTED! ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!!
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Albert Jr. Cukingnan
Philippines
Duck + Hat = Duck Hat
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Most JRPGs-
Player: I wanna head to X.
GM: No. You're gonna follow my module whether you like it or not. You gotta go to location Y.
Romancing Saga-
Player: I head to location X.
GM: /shrugs. Sure why not.
~The player explores location X~
Player: Alright, I'm at the end of the dungeon but I still don't get why the location was important to my character's story.
GM: /shrugs. Its not. You just got waylaid.
Player: I head to location Y
GM: /shrugs again. Sure why not.
~The player explores location Y~
Player: Alright, again I'm at the end of the dungeon but again I still don't get why the location was important to my character's story.
GM: /shrugs again. Its not! You just got waylaid again.
Player: Goodness, what's the background story of the campaign again?
GM: /shrugs. Sorry, you gotta wander around aimlessly to find out the purpose of the game.
Player: But how do I find out what location or quest is important? How about some background info to pace the campaign?
GM: Eh... Nope, sorry. Keep wandering, you'll get lucky sooner or later.
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T. R.
United States
Minneapolis
Minnesota
Looking at these stars suddenly dwarfed my own troubles and all the gravities of terrestrial life. I thought of their unfathomable distance, and the slow inevitable drift of their movements out of the unknown past into the unknown future. H.G. Wells
Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect. Chief Seattle
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GM: Nei has died in the battle.
Player: Use a Moon Dew on her.
GM: Ok she is alive again.
Player: Alright have her, Rudo, Rolf and Anna attack Neifirst.
GM: Alright, Neifirst is dead, oh and Nei is dead again too.
Player: What? She was revived by the Moon Dew.
GM: Not according to my plot outline.
Player: Alright, well I'll just take her to the Clone Lab.
GM: Sorry, she can't be cloned anymore.
Player: She can't be cloned?
GM: Not anymore.
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GM: The elves reclaims the whole cargo for themselves. They don't seem trustworthy but, at the same time, you don't think they are lying when they say they need the food inside the crates for their friends and family.
Player: Is there anything else in the crates?
GM: Weapons.
Player: OK, I keep the weapons but give them all the food.
GM: They refuse to accept the offer and attack you! Thanks to your actions lots of innocent elves will die of starvation.
Player: Wait, wait! I'm a witcher dammit! They surely know a couple elves are no match for me! I try to convince them taking the food and leaving the weapons here is the most sane thing to do.
GM: You can't do that: you either attack them or let them take the whole cargo.
Player: But...
GM: All or nothing.
Player: OK, I let them take all...
SOME TIME LATER.
GM: Oh no! People speak of a murder inside the city walls!
Player: ...
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Chris
United States
Newark
Delaware
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GM: I see you've collected a bunch of experience and items! Don't forget, if you want to convert all that experience to levels, you're going to have to head back to the main shop, spend a bunch of money to buy a few magically adhesive macguffins, then take another trip to the underground hub where you convert some items into experience so the macguffins can adhere properly to the intangible items, which can then be used to give you more levels.
Player: But, I just crossed the river of doom and climbed to the top of the dark wizard's tower! And there's no easy teleport back!
GM: Just saying is all.
*One long trek, dark wizard battle and long expository tale later*
GM: OK! You've been transported to the REAL dark wizard's castle. There's no returning. A passing merchant offers to convert any remaining items and experience you have into levels for free, instantly.
Player: ...
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Luke Stirling
Australia
Southbank
Victoria
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Player: I think I'll take the tranquilliser gun. I think it's way cooler to sneak through places.
GM: Sure. You find your way through a number of hidden ducts, hack your way through numerous computers, and exploit loopholes in the guards' patrol patterns. You finally make it to your destination and are confronted by a huge cybernetically enhanced killer.
Player: I'll sneak around him then.
GM: Nope. Not happening.
Player: Okay then. I'll hack into a nearby terminal to get a turret to take this guy out.
GM: There are no terminals or turrets.
Player: Well, I have this tranquilliser gun. I'll shoot him with that.
GM: He keeps shooting you with his machine gun.
Player: So, what you are trying to tell me is that all the skills I have honed to this point are totally useless. That the only way to beat this guy is in a straight fight, and I totally suck at those skills and have hardly any tools for the job.
GM: That's about it. Yep.
Player: Who designed this adventure?
GM: Me mostly, but I was in a bit of a hurry so I asked a friend to design the big boss battles. Seems like he made them totally different to the rest of the adventure I wrote. But hey, at least there are boss fights, right?
Player: Ummm... not really
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Jon Gray
United States
Los Angeles
California
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GM: Your interactions with Liara culminated a sexual encounter!
Player: Booyakka, inter-species pr0n!
GM: The two of you make-out, tongues interlocked in a euphoric and rather intimate duel.
Player: Giggity!
GM: You two eventually manage to undress each other. You then insert your-
Player: Wa-wait! I thought I was a chick Shephard?
GM: Oh.. well then you "meld minds" and enjoy each other's company.
Player: Ehhh... Can I switch my character to male?
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T. R.
United States
Minneapolis
Minnesota
Looking at these stars suddenly dwarfed my own troubles and all the gravities of terrestrial life. I thought of their unfathomable distance, and the slow inevitable drift of their movements out of the unknown past into the unknown future. H.G. Wells
Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect. Chief Seattle
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You want to jump onto the moving platform? Ok roll a d20.
Sorry, you failed.
You want to try again? Roll a d20.
Sorry you failed.
You want to try again? Roll a d20.
Sorry you failed.
You want to try again? Roll a d20.
Sorry you failed.
You want to try again? Roll a d20.
Sorry you failed.
You want to try again? Roll a d20.
Sorry you failed.
You want to try again? Roll a d20.
Sorry you failed.
You want to try again? Roll a d20.
Ok, you made it onto the platform.
What would you like to do now?
You want to jump from this moving platform onto another moving platform?
Roll a d20.
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